Thursday, November 27, 2014

Yeah, it's easy as 1, 2, 3…..

Since my birthday is a week after Christmas, it just made sense that I would marry someone with a birthday a week before Christmas. The only downside is that I'm usually stumped on what kinds of Christmas trinket I should give him, since he just  had a birthday and all. This year I had a brilliant idea. We each come up with a list of three things we wouldn't mind getting. At least there would be a starting point, and hopefully our household would not be graced with a gadget that never gets used.

This morning Sweet Husband tells me "Oh, I thought of the third item for my wish list. Another pair of ACUs."

I stared at him with a mixture of disbelief and horror.

Sweet Husband noticed my facial expression and rushed to reassure me, "It's easy," he said "just go into Clothing and Sales…." he trailed off as I started laughing uncontrollably.

"What?" He asked, visibly confused by my reaction.

After a few moments, I caught my breath and started to explain.

"Let me paint you a picture, of how "easy" it is to go into Clothing and Sales. 
It starts out with me trying to convince Spain, that he should take his pajamas off and put real clothes on. After a few minutes of negotiations, I'll remember that arguing with a three year old is futile, and fold. Instead, I'll wrestle him into his shoes and bribe him into the van. 

With any luck, Alex will already be in the van waiting for me to turn the DVD back on. As soon as Spain and Alex are buckled, Luke will decide he is hungry. We'll sit in the van for a few minutes while Luke nurses and the older boys watch their DVD. I'll finally get Luke strapped into his carseat. I'll pull up the directions for Clothing and Sales, and we will finally be on our way. 

We'll arrive at Clothing and Sales. After parking I'll slowly count to ten and then turn off the vehicle. Alex and Spain will start the "Hey! Chorus". Luke will be sleeping in his carseat. I'll transfer him into the baby carrier, and wrestle Spain out of the vehicle. Alex may or may not decide that this would be the best time to play/hug/annoy Luke and/or Spain. 

The entourage and I will walk into Clothing and Sales. Spain will immediately try to hide in the racks of clothing, because it's embarrassing to be seen with your mom in public. Alex will start reading some inappropriate military related joke, that is, of course, posted for all to see. Yay for reading. Luke will be hungry again. 
Luckily that won't be a problem because he's in the carrier. I'll start scanning the ACU uniforms for the ones marked "medium-regular". Someone will tap me on the shoulder and say "Excuse me ma'am, could you ask your son to remove the bag on his head?"
Spain will have managed to find the ONLY empty bag in the store, and put it over his head, because he. Is. A. Robot. I'll yank the bag off his head, and remind him that we do NOT put bags over our heads. 

Powered on by the adrenaline flooding now my system, I'll grab the first set of "medium-regulars" I think I see. I'll rush the entourage to the cash register, where Spain and Alex will start fighting over who get to sign the credit card machine. I will obliging laugh at the "You've got your hands full" comment and retort with my baby wearing comeback "Thank God for my hands-free baby wearing device!".

We'll walk out to the parking lot. Spain will be complaining loudly. Possibly about not getting his own credit card, or maybe about how he misses his blue house*. I will remind the entourage that the DVD is still in the van and once they buckle in, I will turn it on. 

We will, FINALLY, return home. I'll corral the boys out of the car and into the end zone**
I'll grab the bag with the uniform in it, and rush to wrap it before you get home. I'll pull the uniform out of the bag and with a sick feeling I'll realize that I grabbed MATERNITY ACUs."

I paused for effect, "And that is how "easy it will be."

Sweet Husband stopped laughing long enough to ask "would it be easier if I told you Clothing and Sales is walking distance from here."

No. It would not be any easier.

*He's never lived in a blue house.

**Backyard, living room.. Whatever it's a "safe" place.