Tuesday, April 2, 2019

The Art Of Being Left Behind

I recently read something that resonated deeply with me. It said "Motherhood is the discipline of being excluded".
This may not be true for all mothers, or even dare I say, Stay-at-home parents. But for me, right now, I felt it deeply. 
I've watched jealously as Sweet Husband forged bonds, created new friend circles, and left on business trips. Yes, I've met people and created my own friendship circles, but mine are different. They're also the home keepers. The ones who don't get to take off for weeks without extensive planning, and then it's usually with the family in tow. The people who keep a constant record of what everyone in the household needs. The ones who wake up six times a night because a child rolled over in the next room. The ones who are also in the glorious society of constant sleep-deprived exhaustion.
It's not that we don't want to do recreational activities together, it's that there are so many moving pieces to get situated before we have the freedom to go out without the family. It's exhausting.

The great adventure stories were never about the home keepers. The home keepers were left behind with barely a thought. Sure, our heroes knew they were going to be the welcome party at the end of the adventure. But what else? They stayed home. Their trials weren't story-worthy. Their main worth was welcoming back the prodigal family member.   

Before Sweet Husband and I got married, I dreamt about traveling. I wanted to eat my way around the world, and marvel at architecture and art. When we got married, I knew that would probably never happen, and my list of countries I wanted to experience dwindled down. I freely admit that I feel sharp pangs of jealousy that Sweet Husband has gotten to travel to the countries on my list, while I stay home. He gets to eat the authentic morsels I dreamt of, while I plan days around nap schedules, mealtimes, and laundry. He gets to walk unfettered around places I've only read about, while I try to make it through the grocery store with four children.

I love being a mother.

I love my family. 

My current twisted up string of emotions is conflicted with itself. I love cuddling with my kids on the couch while we watch a movie.
I love watching understanding dawn, as they master a complicated task. It is just as exciting watching baby #4 discover the world around him, as it was with baby #1.
But my heart still twists as Sweet Husband gets ready to go somewhere by himself for a few weeks. I jealously think of the quiet he'll get to experience. The lack of coordinating dentist appointments, and doctor visits.
He gets a change of pace, a break from his normal schedule. While I don't.